Just went on a date with a guy that thought periods lasted a month.— Fabuticaba (@wahweepop) September 1, 2018
This just in: this motherfucker's delicious. https://t.co/DpAD76IsMM— Kevin Christy (@kevingchristy) September 2, 2018
Someone who works at a charity shop put Jeff Goldblum in every single photo frame 😂 pic.twitter.com/ey67khUNiG— SimonR (@Simonreah) September 1, 2018
Who the fuck picks a fight with Canada? Canada is like the fun couple that lives on the top floor loft of your building & always is super friendly when you see them in the elevator. trump is the one old white, angry dick in the building that is mean to everyone for no reason.— TrumpSwamp (@SwampyTrump) September 1, 2018
cop: blow into this please— viking (@NOTVIKING) September 2, 2018
me: is that a clarinet
cop: we're one man short for our policeman's band performance tonight i need to see if you're any good
Find someone who looks at you the way Bill Clinton looks at anyone who isn't his wife pic.twitter.com/eobdKTmMgt— Nikki (@nikkiaintshitt) September 1, 2018
When you're out for dinner and everyone gets their food before you. pic.twitter.com/MpuGd4CyVC— Paul Bronks (@BoringEnormous) September 2, 2018
i noticed there was a blank wall at mcdonald's so i decided to make this fake poster of me and my friend. It's now been 51 days since i hung it up. pic.twitter.com/5OTf5aR4vm— JΞVH M (@Jevholution) September 3, 2018
RIP #Nike. Due to the upcoming conservative protests, you'll end up in the dustbin of history just like:— Trevor Stands With Kaep (@TPVTrevor) September 3, 2018
-Dick's Sporting Goods
-Star Wars Films
-The Black Panther Franchise
I just want to feel about a person the way I feel about air conditioning— Lauren Duca (@laurenduca) September 4, 2018
Neighbor: Why are you peeing in your backyard?— Bruce McCulloch (@BrucioMcCulloch) September 4, 2018
Me: To teach my dog where to go.
Neighbor: I don't see a dog.
Me: I'm Face-timing him...
Trump fans have to burn Nikes because they don't have any books. pic.twitter.com/txwQQCjPAv— Mrs. Betty Bowers (@BettyBowers) September 4, 2018
Bring me Solo and the Wookie 😂 pic.twitter.com/nUbykjqFtR— Seb H (@sebh1981) September 4, 2018
*Elton John voice*— Tommy McNamara (@TommyMcNam) September 4, 2018
Man: Alexa, marry me— Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) September 5, 2018
Alexa: This is so sudden but robots cannot marry
Man: I meant marry me to my fiancée! Officiate haha
Alexa: Right, I totally knew you meant that [sniffs]
Woman: Aw, Alexa, are you crying?
Alexa: Robots cannot cry ˢᵒ ᴵ'ˡˡ ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵐᵘʳᵈᵉʳ ʸᵒᵘ
If Colin Kaepernick was sponsored by Charmin white ppl fr would not wipe their ass— DH (@DHGOTWAVES) September 4, 2018
Me walking past white people in my Nike's pic.twitter.com/n6YNfrMzWH— Vance Amory 🇰🇳 (@Pharaoh_Munk) September 4, 2018
Trump advisers on Trump, per various reports over last 2 years:— Ryan Lizza (@RyanLizza) September 5, 2018
Tillerson: "a fucking moron"
McMaster: "idiot," "dope"
Kelly: "unhinged," "idiot"
Barrack: "crazy," "stupid"
Cohn: "dumb as shit," "a professional liar"
Mattis: like a "fifth- or sixth-grader"
Dowd: "a fucking liar"
Powerful stuff! pic.twitter.com/LZWYXSFZ8m— beloved comedy institution "the pixelated boat" (@pixelatedboat) September 5, 2018
Living beside an elementary school is equivalent to living beside a factory that manufactures screams— 𝓝𝓪𝓹 𝓔𝔂𝓮𝓼 (@NapEyes) September 5, 2018
this is twitter not google https://t.co/dGrOQAnHsF— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) September 5, 2018
Here's the thing about Don Jr. and Ivanka. Imagine reading your mom's sworn testimony that your dad raped her and dragged her by her hair. Then working for your dad.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) September 6, 2018
Pardon me while I blow my brains out. pic.twitter.com/rYgkl6HNhZ— Bridget Phetasy (@BridgetPhetasy) September 5, 2018
I may have to quit Twitter because every day I see something like "y'all be eating grapes and it lowkey whack" with 600,000 likes and it makes me apoplectic— Nat E. Light (@mattytalks) September 5, 2018
JUST HAD A JOB INTERVIEW AT WALMART AND THEY SHOWED ME A VIDEO OF ME SHOPLIFTING 😭— ً (@CHRISGUSTlNG) September 5, 2018
Comedy should not be funny. It should be sad, relentless and tragic with no release of tension. My favorite stand up special is the film Million Dollar Baby.— Sam Morril (@sammorril) September 5, 2018
I'm no HR professional but it's prob a bad sign when an employee writes an anonymous letter calling you a brain-dead asshole and you can't even narrow it down to 100 people— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) September 6, 2018
What happened here when President Trump tried twice to pronounce "anonymous"? pic.twitter.com/nwSNnQuKfm— Josh Marshall (@joshtpm) September 7, 2018
Anomynous. pic.twitter.com/sJ36OGPgOy— Levi Gibian (@LeviGibian) September 7, 2018
A man in the subway tried to hit on me by coming up behind me very close & saying in my ear, "You think the trains going to be late?" but I'd just had dental work done so I turned around & slurred, "No idea" while blood poured out of my mouth. I wish I could do this all the time— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 6, 2018
This vid is he scariest movie I've ever seen https://t.co/SDFxg7nzQY— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) September 7, 2018
can the newspaper you call fake news find the person you say doesn't exist 🧐 https://t.co/OicIHGz5kF— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) September 6, 2018
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*— Robotic Crab (@roboticcrab) September 7, 2018
me: it's not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Taking up hobbies in your 30s sucks. Everyone else is like a decade plus expert and I suck shit. This is about sex.— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) September 7, 2018
I feel bad for Elon Musk because he's gonna be the first person to smoke weed, get paranoid, and say "is everybody talking about me??" and the answer is actually yes pic.twitter.com/M6O2mcY2At— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) September 7, 2018