Are straight men ok https://t.co/4Wlpxf6LcU— Adam Ellis (@moby_dickhead) March 2, 2019
I'm Noam Chomsky's new social media manager and I'm working on some strategies to get the youth interested in his work. Here's what I've got so far. pic.twitter.com/oQ7PaoGMpP— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) March 2, 2019
birds fly south for the winter so they can be racist— Kellen (@captainkalvis) March 3, 2019
If I was a marriage counselor, I'd just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) March 2, 2019
All these meteorologists talk about is the temperature and when it's gonna rain and shit. TELL ME ABOUT THE METEORS IT'S IN YO' DAMN NAME!!!— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) March 2, 2019
This crackpot has the nuclear codes in his pocket. Sleep tight, world. pic.twitter.com/KBffCkHhlV— Bob Cesca (@bobcesca_go) March 3, 2019
TRAIN: I think I can, I think I can— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) March 3, 2019
TRAIN PASSENGER: what the fuck is happening
It's the 25th anniversary of John Candy's passing. We cooked up a small tribute to a comedic genius and Canadian hero. If you haven't seen much of his work, take a look at his films. He was a treasure. Thanks to @chriscandy4u and @therealjencandy. 🇨🇦 pic.twitter.com/dHvuviKnBs— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) March 3, 2019
Son: Can I go on the xbox?— Jon (@ArfMeasures) March 3, 2019
Me: No it's too violent, you should play family games like I used to
[30 years ago]
Me: I think the professor was strangled in the library with a rope
"I'm Dead" https://t.co/0JdKq48oFB— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) March 4, 2019
Going to need to know what you were wearing. https://t.co/sVKl3znXeJ— Quinn Cummings (@quinncy) March 5, 2019
Someone in Adelaide, Australia needs to run for their damn life. pic.twitter.com/r7IEt22W54— manuel. 🎈 (@MANUELCAV) March 5, 2019
Love this Brian Eno annecdote about David Byrne pic.twitter.com/EKu2u3EUzi— Spelling Mistakes Cost Lives (@darren_cullen) March 5, 2019
Lord please make sure I never embarrass myself on Al Gore's internet like this: pic.twitter.com/jLkwlDFVpc— shanna ✍🏾 (@shittybonmots) March 6, 2019
Trump just called Apple CEO Tim Cook "Tim Apple" pic.twitter.com/gTHHtjWvc9— Sean O'Kane (@sokane1) March 6, 2019
Welcome to the club, Tim Apple! https://t.co/TEDZ378qmZ— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 6, 2019
13 yo looks at car radio.— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 6, 2019
"What's Steely Dan?"
"It's a band."
"What does their name mean?"
"It's the name of a dildo in a book about drugs."
It's called parenting, people.
Imagine being a moose, thinking you're safe, looking up and seeing a wolf parachuting down towards you and your moose family https://t.co/tJE9kBWEsN— James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 7, 2019
MARK MCGRATH: all around the world, statues crumble for me— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) March 7, 2019
MUSEUM GUARD: not on my watch, you son of a bitch
Roger Stone misinterpreting his gag order pic.twitter.com/MNdOe5bVQ9— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) March 7, 2019
Pictorial thread on Cindy "No dick goes untugged" Yang and all of her supporters:— Pinche-Pastor of Our 🚺of the🖕 (@Pinche_Pi) March 8, 2019
Traitor tots pic.twitter.com/afJXDI3rLn
Terrible day at work (am a courtroom sketch artist) - couldn't get the asses right all freaking day pic.twitter.com/jesbbf3xLt— Max Knoblauch (@MaxKnoblauch) March 9, 2019
When the man who embodies all 7 deadly sins—lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride—is signing Bibles it means that it is time to reevaluate your religion.— Ryan Knight 🇺🇸 (@ProudResister) March 8, 2019
BERNIE SANDERS in Iowa: "Tonight, we say to Donald Trump and the fossil fuel industry--"— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) March 8, 2019
SOMEONE IN CROWD: "Fuck you!"
SANDERS: "Well, that is one way of phrasing it. I myself was gonna say it a little differently. I am a senator..." pic.twitter.com/HrxffLcqx7